What 2013 has taught me, personal growth

Flipping through pages of my old agenda and examining week to week where I have been is an unspoken tradition of mine devoted to these last few days of December every year. A lot of what I see is irrelevant day to day stuff; don't forget this item, pay this bill today, the kids have an appointment on this day. A good deal of what is written are days worth celebrating; birthdays, holidays, engagements and weddings. Some of what I see are milestones; we bought a house and Audrey began walking. There are plenty of blank days in there too, days that I worked I suppose, or maybe I hung around the house and watched movies and played games. Maybe they were days that were spent doing the mundane, laundry and cleaning. No matter, what I see if I look at my agenda as a whole was a year that I lived that I won't get back again. So as I look ahead to the new year I want to first reflect on this one that has just passed and all that I have learned living it.

1. Be Thankful.  I have learned how fortunate I am, this year especially. I have three beautiful, healthy and happy children who are an absolute pleasure to be around. I managed to buy a home, a real home of my own. I am now a proud dog owner, my cat would disagree with me here but I remind her daily she just needs to give it time. I have a fun job that I truly enjoy and work with some pretty cool and talented people that I am also lucky enough to call my friends. I have a huge (and growing) extended family whom I can call on for love and support whenever I need. I have a new Derby family of friends that support me as well. I am thankful that I have lived another year and get to embark on another. I know time is short and I don't know when my own will run out so I am thankful each day that I wake up and have just a little bit more. 

2. Who you are is enough. This has been a particularly tough lesson for me. I worry too much about what other people think of me, my home, my family, and have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what other people think, it matters what I think. I have lost so much time, energy and tears this last year worrying that I'm not mom enough, sister enough, daughter enough, friend enough for people and wishing I was someone other than myself. Instead of trying to always do and be more, I have learned to be who I am and let the good, uplifting people in and that it is not only OK, but necessary for me to shut the negative people out.

3. I've learned that sometimes my best just won't be enough, but that doesn't make me a failure. (See item 2)

4. I've learned that people can surprise you in both positive and negative ways. This was a reoccurring theme for me this past year. I know that it surrounded me to teach me a lesson and what I took away was this, sometimes it isn't really about me at all, it's them. I have a terrible habit of blaming myself when things go wrong, sure sometimes I deserve it or at least a portion of it, but this year I have seen many instances when I didn't deserve it at all and yet I took it on. I am risk adverse and also hate confrontation so for me I needed to learn that it is important to stand my ground and that, that doesn't make me a bad person, just one with feelings that need to be handled with the same care that I handle others.

5. I've learned that I have to choose to be happy. Bad things happen to good people. This year I chose to make a conscience effort that when those bad things happened I wouldn't dwell on them or complain ceaselessly about them either. I accepted them, talked them out if needed and then moved on. I'm a whole lot happier for having done so and am going to continue this in the new year and work even harder at it.

I realize I could go on but I think five is a tidy little list. I encourage you to make a list of five things you have learned,  five things you are thankful for, or perhaps five themes from your past year.

I'm inviting you to spend a little time reflecting on all you have learned and all you have lived. Of course I think it is healthy that you and I focus on areas that need improvement, or change, but I hope we never forget that we just lived through another twelve months and that counts for something too. 

OH! And one last thing...

6. Remember to show love.

Nine Years

Recently my husband scoured the internet and read blog after blog of recipes for pizza so that he could make me my very favorite at home- Pizza Hut!  It took hours from making the dough and letting it rise to mixing all the right stuff so that the sauce was just so, and of course the cooking time. The kitchen was a disaster by the time he was through and as we ate the pizza all he kept saying was next time I will do this better, and this crust will be better, and so on and so on.

While I assured him it was just right and how much I loved the pizza, I tried my best to make it a point that I loved him. I loved him for thinking of me so sweetly. I loved him for going out of his way to create my pizza. I loved him for wanting it to be perfect for me. I loved him for the mess he made doing it. I simply loved him for the little things he does, the little surprise pizza at the end of the week just for me. We have been together nine years today and he still goes out of his way to do the little “sumpins” for me.

As I think about the last nine years first I can hardly believe how fast they went, and second, how at my current age nine years is about a third of my life and how they have been the most meaningful yet.

In nine years time I took a break from school, had a son, returned to school and had another son. I graduated and began a career. I got married and had a daughter. In this past year I managed to buy a house and have begun making it a home. On paper this all looks very normal, ordinary, or at least well done? What the paper doesn’t reveal is the day to day, the moment by moment. I won’t string together a bunch of clichés here about how challenging it is raising children and starting out on your own. I’m not extraordinary for creating a family, but I think the point I am trying to make is that neither Steve, my husband, nor I took the easy road. I realize it is unfair to suggest that there is even an easy road in life (and yes that saying so is a cliché) so I will backtrack a moment and say neither of us gave up when it may have very well been easier to do so. Rather than calling it quits many years ago we fought against the overwhelming odds, the tragic statistics and we fought against each other to give our family its very best shot- and we made it.

What I think about most often every year when October 24^th rolls around is change. Another year, another year, another year- I think about how much I have changed from my late teen years, to those early and mid-twenties, and now as I am cresting my thirties, and so on and so on I imagine. When I think about marriages that fail, or relationships that fail, ones that started out when the couple was young, or started out passionate and fast and then end quickly, snuffed out to the point that not a single ember still burns, I realize that two people grew and that they grew apart. So each year on this day I am thankful to my husband who gave me room to grow and has never lost interest in the person I continue to become.

Like children, you can’t just begin a relationship and expect it to thrive without nourishment. If you simply feed, clothe and shelter a child you’ll never see them grow to their fullest potential, sure they’re alive, but only a mere shell of what they could be. Relationships need nourishment. I promised no clichés but I guess I lied because while this next statement is cliché, it is also very true. Communication is the key. It is the key ingredient in all healthy relationships and provides so much nourishment.  I think with that ingredient we also all need a healthy dose of humility. It is so easy to be selfish; to be self-righteous and to feel wronged when you enter those dreaded disagreements. When you care more about someone other than yourself it’s no longer about who’s is right and who’s wrong, but how do we fix this and find our way back to each other.

At nineteen I was lucky to find someone that wouldn’t ask me to compromise the things in life that are most important to me. I always wanted a family, kids to fill a home with, kids who would be more important than our house, or our situation, kids who would be the most important. I wanted a partner who wanted to be a dad as much as I wanted to be a mom. I needed someone to love me, a person who wanted to marry me, someone who accepted me exactly as I was and who believed my future would be even brighter.  Some people are never lucky enough to find someone who values match so closely their own. Worse yet, some people do compromise their own values so much, too much, to find stability and fake compatibility. I’m thankful I’ve never felt the need to do so.

After nine years together we still laugh about most things. Steve and I appreciate each other. We like to spend time together and make a solid team. Thank you Steve for being that person that I could have spent many years searching for. I love you very much.