The Hair Gets It

It is fair to say that I realized I was in the midst of an identity crisis when I started messing with my hair. This isn't the first time I've gone searching to find myself, Lord knows that we all go through this many, many times, it's called being an adolescent, a teen, an adult. This time however I'm not particularly concerned with what others think of my image (still a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl), or if the music I listen to is popular ( Kansas' greatest hits was one of my first CD's) nor do I care that you won't find my picture littered on other people's places and spaces with booze in my hand. So what sparked the need to color my hair that I was for the most part- happy with?

There is no place for me. These words spewed from my mouth like putrid meat or worse yet, sour milk Sunday evening. Almost as soon as I had said them, I wish I hadn't. As if uttering what I was actually thinking, when I actually thought it, no sugar coating, no lying aloud and saying that I was fine- the truth and nothing but it, sealed my fate once and for all. The whoa-is-me feeling that I fend off as much as possible gripped me and I was powerless to stop it.

I should have read the signs. I should have seen this coming. I had prepared hadn't I? I have been actively job searching since March. Actively. Every job board has my resume, every job that might somehow find me a viable candidate has been applied to, companies who as far as I or anyone else is concerned are not looking, they have received an email and resume as well- just in case. Shouldn't that be enough? No. So now I have hit the road in search of yet another way to fill a void as it continues to stretch deeper and deeper within me.

There is of course more to it than being unemployed. Isn't there always. Hearing a friend recall the weekend she spent being spontaneous and having awesome fun makes me frown. I am of course psyched for her new found identity, molding herself into a group that makes her feel alive and good. I just desperately want to feel alive and good too. A family day turns out not the way I anticipated it and it brings me to tears. Stuff that normally rolls off my shoulders have hit this huge chip in my shoulder that seems lodged, perhaps for the long run. I feel cheated, discounted, more than anything thought of last.

As I drove around in the rain yesterday, fiddling with the wipers, it's raining steady, now it's not, now it is, the mundane'ness of it all seeped through me. I come last to employers too. How could this be? I have an excellent GPA, I am a great communicator, wrote some wonderful cover letters and proofed my resume more times than I care to count. What is it with me?

I loathe this pitiful version of me. Always been the optimistic one, always kept smiling, always bottled it all up inside me, now finding I have trouble with that. What's funny about this, I feel ashamed to reach out to others because I know, someone is suffering more than me, we've all heard it before and no-one, absolutely no-one, wants to hear it anymore.

So my poor hair went from a light brown to a golden brown, to too blond at the roots to blond but still not happy to be here, all in three days. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that at least it didn't fall out.