A recent trip to the beach reminded me of the truth behind J.R.R. Tolkien's assessment that "Not all who wander are lost." Luke was standing at the edge of the sand where the waves break and recede back to the sea. Watching him watch the ocean that way, with love, joy, curiosity and hope, I couldn't help but wonder what was really on his mind. Where do his thoughts lead him in those little moments, to a place where trees are lollipops and the road red licorice with gummy bear friends high-fiving him along the way? Watching him that way caused me to drift off too.
Am I just wandering lost? What the hell am I doing and am I doing it right? The end of the semester draws near bringing with it my final days as a student and the inevitable struggle to find a job. Yes, I am afraid. I have been struggling for six years to reach this point and now that it's here, the hardest is yet to come.
I long for future days when I can say, "Look at me. I made it." I know it can't be that far off, but looking out across the vast sea, never actually seeing the place where sky meets land, leaves me uneasy. These thoughts are just for today. I don't always "space out" and think about the future in all of its uncertainty. I just wish there were more days when I saw myself in an old Victorian home, in an office filled with paper flowers, glass orbs hanging from the ceiling, bookshelves lined with books (some that I have written perhaps), photos of adventures I had been on and a black cat curled up in a plush arm chair facing the morning sun.
Looking at Luke staring at the sea, knowing that he might be imagining sweets for breakfast or a long ride in a fire truck, I hope he can always wonder, dream and create, knowing ultimately, that it's OK to wander while we wonder on our way.
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